Brownie-Batter-In-My-Eyelashes-Havoc

I'm guilty of a few things in life. One, hating every second of little kids stirring things. It's not endearing, it's brownie-batter-in-my-eyelashes-havoc. Two, finding midi rings to be my new favorite accessory. And finally, being an aching soul looking for fulfillment. (Last one's a bit of a doozy) 

I'm quietly, and not so calmly, watching my life evolve and transform into the bigger picture I hope for it one day to be. I'm being still, yet thrashing wildly against my overthink-everything natural inclinations. I mean, today I literally put finger tattoos from the cereal box on each finger; and enjoyed it......a lot. I narrated for them......a lot. I think I am failing at adulting, guys. 

I'm likely to grow hopelessly frustrated in the interim of my life unfolding in the direction I want it to go. 

I'm a big reflect-rrr. Meaning I reflect on things constantly. It makes for this weird struggle between analyzing the past and still pushing forward into the future. Balance is key; like most things in life, but especially this. 

I think many of us have a tendency to try to fill voids in the wrong ways. Romanticizing the past; holding on to memories we should leave as memories; and wanting to incessantly go back instead of forward.

I tend to make huge progress and forward motion, and then my demons come out to play.

So I say find a person you can spend time with who you can work through your demons with. Who you can be comfortable enough to not repress memories, but bring them into light and work through them, with that person providing peace and comfort. 

Okay, it doesn't have to be a human, dear cat lady. It can even be a giraffe- I don't know! Take a trip to the zoo, stroll through the monkey exhibit. Talk to a painted rock, I really don't care. 

Life is chaotic. Yet it's a series of slow, quiet, often unnoticed actions. 

Find where you can work through your night terror memories. Find a way to bring lessons from your past into your present moments, and continuously strive for your future ahead. 

I'm only asking you to play hacky sack while balancing a ten gallon jug of water on your head and reading Shakespearean sonnets all the while. I know, life is one big balancing act. 

You'll make it through, though. 

Slowly, quietly. 

In the most hectic ways, you will be still.

You will carefully calculate your actions and they will slowly unravel the grandiosity of your existence. 

That void you're reaching so desperately to fill will mend. 

And maybe you too, will despise the toddler chunking brownie batter on your face. 

Awe and Dread

Do you ever have those days where your hair is a mess? I don't mean one or two strands out of place. I mean you grew your hair out, dedicated time every day to care for it tenderly and now all of it has decided to revolt and betray you...

THAT kind of bad hair day.

Today was that day for me. (You're welcome everyone surrounding me for making your hair look AH-mazing.) 

Maybe it was the I-have-to-be-smart-since-I'm-ugly feeling kicking in that got me, but I started marveling at two unique human emotions- awe and dread. 

So this one is for you, sweet pea. To the one that's having a bad hair day. To the one that's giving up. To the one that's unfocused and barely hanging on by a thread. This is for you, to remind you that despite your atrocious hair, it is a marvel to be alive. 

Something spectacular comes from the recognition that we are alive; the recognition of our own existence fuels our self-esteem. We each want to feel like we serve as a person of value in a world of meaning. 

Yet often our world of meaning crumbles before our feet... And that's okay. 

You still serve a purpose; you serve a purpose only YOU can fulfill. You'd be trippin' if you were beginning to think otherwise! ((Yes, I'm an English Major and fully support the use of the word 'trippin' and the use of #hashtags)) 

Look, we're highly social and vastly intelligent creatures. We have the power to create the unknown.... CREATE. THE. UNKNOWN. Crazy, right?! 

So today be in awe of your existence. When you have a desire to live, but realize bad hair days are inevitable, it will make life a whole hell of a lot easier.

Start dreaming, okay?

The world needs that dream. 

Nobody else can understand your dream but you,

doesn't mean it's not worthy,

it means you are the only one worthy of fulfilling it. 

The Great Wall of Sarah... Facing my Invulnerability

I've grown stronger... 

I've also grown more sarcastic, less willing to trust and successfully built the Great Wall of Sarah that far supersedes the Great Wall of China around my heart. It's been a while in the making. 

So I've grown weaker. 

I've become invulnerable. 

We see pictures like this

and we assume that the more shots you can take without falling the stronger you are.

We're a population that numbs. We grow addicted to pills, alcohol, food.. Netflix, and we coast through life unable to feel.

And then one day tragedy or heartbreak ensues and it slams you against a wall, or more accurately a mirror, and you're forced to either FEEL, or find coping mechanisms like constructing a barbed wire fence around your heart and taking everything everyone says with a grain of salt.

At times, I choose the latter. 

I'm invulnerable, and I'd be willing to bet you are too.

I don't want to cope. I want to feel, but to put myself in a position to feel the aching of a broken heart again would be stupid! Right? 

It's easier to live in disappointment than it is to FEEL disappointed. Job interview? Just go ahead and tell yourself you didn't get it so you never get your hopes up. That's easier than dealing with the final blow when you get an e-mail telling you they chose another candidate. 

I've found myself doing this in more than one avenue of life. With relationships, job expectations, etc. I don't want to fully open up to others because there's the inevitable chance of getting hurt. I know what you're thinking.. "Been there, done that." I feel you. I've been hurt and hurt others too. I don't want to go down that road. 

But the silly truth about life is that we can't selectively choose which emotions we feel; come one, come all. 

I say be vulnerable. 

Let yourself be disappointed. 

Let yourself get slapped against a mirror of reflection after an excruciating heartbreak.

Let yourself grow and learn.

Vulnerability is the beginning of hope. Of love. Of growth and change. 

Don't be afraid to tear down your Great Wall and be vulnerable.