Predestined To Be.

You there! Beautiful eyes, first off. They are scrolling so flawlessly across this page. Now, if you're looking for more compliments, click away now. If you're looking for humor, click away. But I promise, it will be worth it to read until the end. 

Let me start out by stating the obvious- You have a past. 

I have a past. My family has a past.

Sometimes, I feel like I have a predestined future. I was born into a life that I will eventually become (fill in the blank.) 

When my father struggled with alcoholism, I was told that I was "born with a shot of whiskey in my hand, so it's best to just stay away." It made me feel as though I had no choice in the matter. I will become an alcoholic, at some point in life, because those that came before me were. I strayed from alcohol for as long as possible. Partly because it doesn't make me feel great (whoever feels great please let me in on your secret) and partly because I felt predestined to become an alcoholic if I even took one shot. I have many nights wanted, "the forbidden fruit" and lay awake craving something I had never even had before. Which then led me to believe that maybe he was right, maybe vodka or whiskey or pick your poison, really WAS coursing through my veins. It would only be a matter of time before I took my first hard kick with alcohol and that would do it for me. Downward spiral of uncontrollable atrocities from there. 

Then one day I got up the courage to drink a glass of wine. Woah... Nothing happened. I wasn't pouring down shots of vodka and ruining relationships. I just.... Had a glass of wine. And then I stopped. I then had some fruity concoction (I don't drink often people, I don't know names of ANY.THING) at a party a few months later, and again. That was it. This BEING, this monster in my closet of drinking that I was led to be so fearful of, was really just this warm, cuddly, sometimes fuzzy monster. Why? Because I made it that way. I didn't take it where others have. It wasn't going to be my crutch in life. 

Maybe you too, come from a long line of alcoholics or pill poppers or mental disorders. (Speaking from experience here people, I have a little of all of that in my family. Whom I love each and every one of so fiercely and dearly it is unexplainable) 

I've been afraid of my own mind, my own body. I've feared WHAT COULD BE. I naturally have an extremely overactive mind, and I have felt like with just one wrong move, it could start working against me. 

I want to bring awareness to alcoholism though, because everyone seems to think that it is a bunch of lazy people with no dreams or aspirations in life that don't have anything better to do than scratch their belly and drink a six pack, but oh, how it is exactly the opposite. 

I will tell you one thing I know to be true in life, nobody can become truly addicted to something without having a powerful mind. Whether or not they ever break that addiction, this is true. 

I believe this wholeheartedly. I don't mean you have to be a rocket scientist, but I think your brain capacity has to have a special and unique SOMETHING. Maybe it's one thing. You can memorize numbers. Whatever it is, it's special. You have to possess some depth, some demon in the closet or an inkling of a dream.... 

You can't struggle with something so fierce without first possessing the ability to be consumed. I'm talking body, mind and soul here people. And I honestly and wholly believe that if you have no depth to you, it wouldn't be hard to get out of addictions. 

That's why I believe alcoholism and addictions swallow up the purest of our people. Maybe before they even had the chance to show anybody on Earth what their true spirit reflects, and that's why we think of drunks as lazy and incompetent people. 

But these people are strong. Often times they have been places in life and then they have fallen. 

We have disease in this world that will swallow you whole; they won't discriminate on color or gender or wealth or education. They will throw you against the wall until you've committed suicide twenty times over and then wake up every morning, they will resuscitate your deepest fears and suffocate your ability to think clearly. 

Our minds are our biggest assets here.

I know this because at one point I was scared of my own space between my ears. I was predestined to become an alcoholic. I was predestined to have a mental illness. I was predestined to struggle with suicide. 

But how I was very horribly wrong. (well, thus far... Keep tabs on me people, I'm only 23 years young) 

I am just me. With a line of people who were just them. 

I am not to become anyone or anything else. My genetics do not define my struggles. My blood does not dictate my present or my future. 

And I've been GIFTED with the power of an active mind, not cursed. 

I've been gifted with the knowledge of knowing when is too much. When to try harder and when to walk away. 

I've been gifted with the struggles surrounding me so I could overcome them and be a light to those around me. 

My destiny, your destiny, is not written in the past. It is not written in your blood line. It is not written by your genetic composure. It is not written by a shot glass in your hand at birth or a needle in your arm in your teens. 

It is written by you, and only you, today and every day going forward.

Make it count. Who do YOU want to be destined to become? That is only YOURS to determine. 

The chains of the past are meant to be broken, not hanging wearily for generations. 

Hushing Your Inner Monologue

I'm sure my parents knew something was different about me when I bawled over my dead goldfish for hours; it was traumatizing okay. (P.S. He went to heaven, all is well, since I know you were concerned) 

I am extra, super, highly sensitive. And for some reason, the whole world thinks this is a bad thing... Which led ME to believe it was a bad thing. 

.........It's not. 

I've actually come to learn that it's a great thing, for any number of reasons! 

Sure, sometimes I just want to drink cheap whine and turn off my brain for even thirty seconds of relief from the constant onslaught of FEELINGS; but sometimes, it's nice to know exactly how I feel, why I feel, what that person across the room feels, how to help other people, how to ask for help myself.. It's nice to no longer hush that inner monologue. 

I don't think anything good ever comes from hiding emotions. Like... Ever. ((Well, if you're psychotic and you genuinely FEEL like killing someone or doing some terrible act.. You need to rethink your feelings. Like.. Stat!)) 

I wholly believe that we feel certain things for a reason. Maybe it's not always a good reason, but it's there. Your gut is telling you something just isn't right, you've been here before in another life it seems, or maybe you've never felt so incredibly happy in your life you just need someone to pinch you.... Or something we've all experienced a time or two, missing someone and not telling them for fear of seeming weak or desperate or clingy or needy. 

I call bullshit. I call bullshit on this whole nonsense about not sharing your feelings with yourself and with the people you care about. 

It's important to feel what you feel. Whether that may be anger or sadness or happiness or frustration, it's worth feeling. I don't think you can experience one emotion without all the rest. You can't feel true happiness if you've never had a day of sorrow, and you can't feel anger if you've never been at peace. 

Feel all the feels.

^^Yup. That was just said. 

I feel like that will get across better than, look, you have this one life, don't hide from the real moments in life. Don't hide from your emotions, and don't let anybody else silence them either. 

It doesn't make you weird or bipolar or crazy or too much to just FEEL. I promise. So please, do me a favor, and today, feel life as it hits you... 

Live.

Sometimes I think I write better than I live. Writing the world around me is sometimes more fleeting and exhilarating than living in the world around me. 

Maybe I'll always be a gypsy-spirit. Wandering and never truly finding home until my pen hits the paper. (okay, it's 2015, so when my fingers hit the keyboard) 

Or maybe one day I'll live better than I write. I'll find the umph inside of me to live with all of me, instead of just writing with all of me. 

But just maybe, one day I'll find a balance. Between living and writing, and bringing the two together. 

For without living and experiencing, one has nothing to write of; and to not write, I wouldn't feel as though I was living at all. 

Feminist; with a twist.

The feminist movement is nothing new. Since flappers were flaunting their too-short dresses and too-short hair, us women haven't fallen short of making our voices heard. 

And maybe our voices still don't rise above some men; but maybe that's okay. 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for women being treated equally, having the same opportunities and rights that men have. In fact, I would say on the basis of being a human alone we should all share in equal rights. Regardless of gender or race or color or wealth... 

But I also think, as women, we should still be happy to serve our men, without thinking it makes us "less than" to do so. To realize the strength and the positive qualities a man's character encompasses... Instead of always wanting to compete and be heard and be above or equal. 

Men have strengths; women have strengths. The fact is, we're not always equal, and that's okay. Maybe women have a more nurturing and compassionate spirit, and men have a more protective and providing spirit. Maybe a man is more compassionate than a particular female, and maybe a female is more protective than a man. 

I don't think we need to be screaming out to be treated equally, but just reflect an equal playing field in our day to day lives. Finding balance in our differences, and being "equal" because we both have strengths and we both have flaws. 

I respect the women that paved the way for me to go to work, to vote, to have the opportunity to own a house and have dreams that are so big they may never happen. But I also cherish the men who will see me as a tender and fragile woman, who knows at the end of the day, it is heavenly to just rest in protective, strong arms, and rest in his comfort. To trust a man to lead my family and to build him up and cherish him, not because I'm any less, or I'm his servant, but because in love, you serve. 

We may serve in different ways. The roles may be reversed or they may follow gender stereotypes, but at the end of the day, how can two things be so equal, who are so very, very different.

Women, please keep paving the way for opportunity and big dreams; but please stop begging to be equal when you're so much more than just EQUAL. 

We're beautiful creatures. Soft, tender, open and fragile... We have compassionate and nurturing, yet strong and driven hearts. So when I say we don't have to always be equal, it's because we should both be realizing our individual worth; in so many different, wonderful ways. 

You could say I'm "old-fashioned," but when a man holds me, protects me, earns for me, and works to keep our love alive.. I won't feel anything less. I think it's okay to be vulnerable and submissive; in a healthy way. I think it's okay to want to cherish and respect and serve your man. I certainly don't think this makes me unequal or have less opportunities. 

We have the opportunity to influence men in such a powerful way, by being women.. And not trying so hard to be anything but that. I honestly don't want to just "fill a man's shoes and be equal," I want to be more than that. To be more than who I was yesterday, and to uplift and cherish the men in my life to be more than they were the day before. It will never be "equal," because both men and women are seriously so much more than just equals. 

They are balance to one another. They are the missing piece of the puzzle. They are yin and yang. They are not equal; they're so much more than that. 

I guess I'm a feminist; with a twist.