I don't mean changing my mind on what to wear, although that is certainly a challenge I am faced with in this material world, but I mean about real life decisions. One moment I am happy and content, and the next I am spinning in insecurities, doubt, and fear.
It's a battle.
What the heart feels versus what the mind thinks.
It's a timeless war that's been displayed in Hollywood dramas, high school gossip, and it will probably continue as long as man has the ability to love.
We don't know how to love. We came from it, but yet we are lost in love; and in turn, our own minds.
Love can be easy, it can leave you happy and content.... But usually love leaves deep scars. I often ask myself, if I am doing the right thing, why does it hurt so much? An incessant ache that begins in my heart and rages outward, coursing through my veins and igniting a physical pain in my being. I find it near to impossible to be happy sometimes. As a child, I used to imagine my career, my husband, my future family, my car, my home... And because I already possessed happiness, when adults would chime in about how "they just wanted to be happy" I would always giggle and think it was incredibly silly to just want happiness; there's so much to want in this big old world. But the truth is; I'm at a point where I just want happiness.
And then I think, wow.
How
At some point in my life I transitioned from happiness, to unhappiness, without realizing it... And now I want to go back. I am not one to romanticize childhood; for I know the memory is fickle and often dramatizes even the smallest of memories, and I've gone through my fair share of hard times, but that isn't to say that I wouldn't desire to go back in time and relive the childlike happiness that I once held onto, unknowingly.
People always want happiness, so it's nothing monumental or new to write about a human desire to crave genuine happiness. But what I've come to realize, is people are afraid to feel the depths of emotion when they aren't experiencing this so-called "happiness." It gets a label. You become "emo," you become "depressed," you become "unmotivated," and even "fearful." And I can acknowledge the labels, and understand why people PLACE the labels... ((We're intrinsically quick to judge; even when we try not to)) but I guess I am "speaking out" against these stereotypes because I truly believe you learn the most when your heart is searching for more, your mind is in pain, and you may be hurting... A lot.
We naturally ((it actually takes every conscious thought in my brain to not wear my heart on my sleeve)) try to hide everything we are feeling if it isn't "upbeat," or "joyous." Why is that though?
We grow from
pain;
so if we are constantly trying to push it away, not feel anything
and fake it until we make it per se, then how are we supposed to gain
anything from the heartaches we experience? My mind may be fickle.
My memories are fading; no matter how young or old.
And I may be experiencing these hard, heart wrenching things in life; but I want to FEEL, in my life. Whether that's love, heartache, joy, pain.. Whatever it may be.
Our minds are unreliable. They are constantly changing. I don't want to be angry for the depths of my emotions, the ever changing state of mind, my fears and doubts and insecurities.. I certainly want to conquer the unhappy feelings that occasionally slip into my mind, but I don't want to block them out in hopes of happiness.
So let's just put a label on my mind and say, "it's complicated," since we have to sum everything up to the quickest explanation these days. I'm complicated. My heart is complicated. My mind is complicated. But the complexities of my mind and heart are what makes me, ME. So I'm tired of fighting it.
I don't text back three words. I don't keep things short, sweet, and to the point. I don't wear make up everywhere I go. I say how I feel, over and over if that's what it takes. And I won't hide behind some label or preconceived notions about what somebody thinks I am; or how the outside eye perceives me.
And despite the complex, complicated nature of my soul; I am not flawed. The scars that will always be there pales in comparison to the knowledge I have gained along the way. So remember next time you see a strangers halfway, forced smile on the street, it's okay to be sad, and it's okay if you want to smile through it, but remember in the end; all of us are going through life experiencing many of the same things, so it's okay to feel.
It's okay to be complicated and complex in a world that forces us to just "keep it simple."
With love,
PhotoSoul Sarah.
