I. Don't. Want. This.

I am what I write. 

Not what I eat, although burritos do have the sexiest of curves. 

This world of blogging on my tiny space of the WWW allows me to toss my ideas to the wind; grandiose, petty, strong-headed, sexy, childish, dreamy, painful, private truths.

It's a double-edged sword really, because usually my brain is stuck on a dark, one-way street on the wrong side of south Chicago, and then I'm permanently posting things to the Internet, where everything is both true and temporary.... Err, maybe the opposite of that? 

My thoughts at 2:17am go something like this, Internet... 

Have you ever had something promising in your life, and then it collapsed on itself in under five seconds? A screeching halt into a wall at 65 mph. 

That's happened to me a time or two; it's a little bit like hell on wheels... Not the television series on Netflix, but while we're on the topic, DAYUM, I dig me some Cullen Bohannon. ((Go to Netflix now and watch Hell on Wheels if you haven't, take a little road trip to heaven, realize you haven't finished reading my blog, say hi to your grandparents, and then come back)) 

That whole enticing, tenuous, teetering on promising thing just ends. 

And not for any particular reason. Not a reason you can formulate in any coherent sentence or thought; it just does. 

You chalk it up to, "It wasn't meant to be." 

This, unsurprisingly, happens quite often. 

It wasn't meant to be that I could get one green light when I wake up late for work. It wasn't meant to be that I step on the 90% of the bathroom floor that's dry and not the part that will make my fresh socks soaked. It wasn't meant to be that I get the promotion. It wasn't meant to be that the guy that makes me feel the whole zoo, forget just butterflies, wants me back. It wasn't meant to be that my fly could have been zipped while talking to my boss's boss.....

Some things just aren't. meant. to. be. 

And while the sarcasm runs thick right now, there's one phrase I've strayed from using in my life, for the most part. 

"I don't want this."

Powerful, really. 

Have you ever stopped and thought about the meaning that one sentence holds? The transitions it can create, the opportunities it can unravel for you. 

I don't want this. 

Some people don't get the luxury of choosing what they do or don't want. 

We do, here. Right now.

You have the power to say, "I don't want this." 

That job that makes you feel like you have no purpose. That almost-relationship. That sweater your grandma gave you that's hanging in your closet..... Just kidding. Keep that. They have ugly sweater Christmas 5K's now! 

The point of my little tirade is this, sometimes something promising ends abruptly, out of your control. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be, flat out. But most things, sweet pea, you're in complete control over. 

So to the things you can say, "I don't want this," I deserve more. Please start saying it today.

I need you to come alive.

I need you to take that interest, and pursue it. That's where talent comes from. If you're willing to practice, you can do it. 

The world needs you to show up, and use that talent.

You have limitless possibility. 

  

Trusting Yourself- The Struggle Is So Real

Hi, sweet pea. 

I know you're going through life and at the very minimum of ten times a day you think to yourself, "Am I doing this right?" In life, in love, in what restaurant to eat at... Window or aisle seat? Full blown panic attack; heartbeat of a hummingbird. 

Decisions stress you out to the max. You don't want to make the wrong choice, make a wrong move, or the worst, let somebody down. 

There is always, without a doubt, a cloud of uncertainty filling your mind with fear. 

It's easy to trust other people now. It's easy to say, right now, I'm going to depend on your word. I'm going to let you in. But trusting yourself, that tiny inner voice... That's a whole different game. 

It's time to trust yourself.

It's time to listen to your gut feeling. To put aside that overly-analytical, pessimistic, worry-wart of an inner-voice. Slice up that voice box and throw it away. Have you ever thought about how many friends you would have if you talked to them how you talk to yourself?! 

I'd have zero. They would hate me with a seething passion; so why do we talk to ourselves like that?! 

I'm trying this new thing in life called, "trusting myself." Trusting myself enough to follow my dreams. I'm trusting that I have to fill my own cup before it can overflow to others. Trusting myself on what my tastebuds want to eat. 

Most of all, I trust myself to move past the failure of making a wrong decision. Choosing stupid Chipotle over Qdoba. Choosing the wrong path, the wrong job, the wrong partner, the wrong hobby.. 

Being trustful that my life will be filled with disappointments, mistakes, anxiety, and wrong decisions, but that I've let my passion lead me. I've listened to that tiny voice I so often hush, and I've followed my heart. 

And in the end, I trust that I will lead a grand life. Filled with extraordinary monotony and all the love a life can possibly hold.

I hope you too will choose to give yourself far more credit than you have been; listen to that tiny, whispering voice you've been hiding. 

I'm changing my middle name..

My middle name is Dawn. 

I have a tendency of searching for meaning in everything. Like, OMG, the guy at Starbucks totally put an "H," at the end of Sarah on my cup. What does that mean? 

...it means he wasn't an idiot and had two options to spell, "Sarah/Sara," ok?

I am queen of over analyzing; a curse and a blessing.

I've always been envious of those people who had this elaborate story to how they got their name. Better yet, a name that was passed down. My older sister got the middle name of, "Leigh," which was passed down for generations, and like many things I'm jealous of in my older sister, her middle name is certainly one of them.

My middle name is Dawn. Yes, I know it saves baby animals from oil spills and yes I know every rhyming word with it along with all the possible jingles you can use it in. It was my Mom's best friend's name for a big portion of her life; so there's not lost hope entirely for meaning. 

I think I've finally (after almost 24 yrs.) reached a conclusion on why my middle name will suffice. (These are the questions I mull over in my head for decades, people) 

Ah, the peace I've come to. 

"The night is always the darkest just before the Dawn." 

That's me! 

That's my middle name! 

In my life, I've gone through some dark stages, but more importantly, I hope to be the light. The dawn.

In my own life, in your life.

That annoying sunshine that creeps in when you're not ready but you love it anyways. 

Or, you know, that breath of fresh air after a long, heavy night of riding front row on the struggle bus. 

It's provided me with a constant reminder that no matter how hard life gets, the dawn will always come. We often focus so hard on weathering the storm that we don't know what to do when we get to the other side. But the dawn is coming, the ray of hope and sunshine will soon arrive. Keep holding on. 

So I guess I'm not changing my middle name, it's provided me enough meaning... For tonight. You can change yours though, Dawn suits you perfectly. ;) 

"The night is always darkest just before the Dawn, and I promise you, the Dawn is coming." 

Somewhere, Someone

I've always believed in this crazy notion since I was a child that somewhere in the world was someone doing anything I could think of. I used to come up with the craziest ideas, and tell myself with how many people there are in the world, it was bound to be true. I think it started out as an innocent daydream, "I bet there is someone out there that gets to swim all day like a mermaid and then snuggle with ten puppies at night," and then (as most things with myself do) just snowballed from there... 

It would always be the most outrageous, ridiculous ideas that probably nobody in the world was doing. 

But, I believed that somewhere, someone in the world was bound to make it happen. Too many people existed for it not to. The chances were just too high, it was inevitable. 

I brought this idea into adulthood. 

Both in the outlandish way of daydreaming about absurd things that someone, somewhere is doing, and also, on the more reasonable side, just believing that somewhere, someone is feeling the same way I am.

This crazy idea is one of the main reasons I write; one of the things that pushes me to share my life; my lessons. You know, it's not always easy to push a pencil to your heartbreak. To share your blonde moments. To toss your dreams to the wind and see what happens. 

I write because I still believe in this outlandish idea that somewhere, someone needs to know there is someone, somewhere going through the same thing. The same hurt. The same happiness. The same insecurities. All stemmed from a million different things, but in the end, the feeling is the same.

So to the one reading this, you're not alone.

You never were and you never will be. 

The chances are too high. 

The odds are too low. 

You're one in seven point three billion, but you are certainly not alone. 

Somewhere, someone is feeling the exact same way you are right now. 

Brownie-Batter-In-My-Eyelashes-Havoc

I'm guilty of a few things in life. One, hating every second of little kids stirring things. It's not endearing, it's brownie-batter-in-my-eyelashes-havoc. Two, finding midi rings to be my new favorite accessory. And finally, being an aching soul looking for fulfillment. (Last one's a bit of a doozy) 

I'm quietly, and not so calmly, watching my life evolve and transform into the bigger picture I hope for it one day to be. I'm being still, yet thrashing wildly against my overthink-everything natural inclinations. I mean, today I literally put finger tattoos from the cereal box on each finger; and enjoyed it......a lot. I narrated for them......a lot. I think I am failing at adulting, guys. 

I'm likely to grow hopelessly frustrated in the interim of my life unfolding in the direction I want it to go. 

I'm a big reflect-rrr. Meaning I reflect on things constantly. It makes for this weird struggle between analyzing the past and still pushing forward into the future. Balance is key; like most things in life, but especially this. 

I think many of us have a tendency to try to fill voids in the wrong ways. Romanticizing the past; holding on to memories we should leave as memories; and wanting to incessantly go back instead of forward.

I tend to make huge progress and forward motion, and then my demons come out to play.

So I say find a person you can spend time with who you can work through your demons with. Who you can be comfortable enough to not repress memories, but bring them into light and work through them, with that person providing peace and comfort. 

Okay, it doesn't have to be a human, dear cat lady. It can even be a giraffe- I don't know! Take a trip to the zoo, stroll through the monkey exhibit. Talk to a painted rock, I really don't care. 

Life is chaotic. Yet it's a series of slow, quiet, often unnoticed actions. 

Find where you can work through your night terror memories. Find a way to bring lessons from your past into your present moments, and continuously strive for your future ahead. 

I'm only asking you to play hacky sack while balancing a ten gallon jug of water on your head and reading Shakespearean sonnets all the while. I know, life is one big balancing act. 

You'll make it through, though. 

Slowly, quietly. 

In the most hectic ways, you will be still.

You will carefully calculate your actions and they will slowly unravel the grandiosity of your existence. 

That void you're reaching so desperately to fill will mend. 

And maybe you too, will despise the toddler chunking brownie batter on your face. 

Awe and Dread

Do you ever have those days where your hair is a mess? I don't mean one or two strands out of place. I mean you grew your hair out, dedicated time every day to care for it tenderly and now all of it has decided to revolt and betray you...

THAT kind of bad hair day.

Today was that day for me. (You're welcome everyone surrounding me for making your hair look AH-mazing.) 

Maybe it was the I-have-to-be-smart-since-I'm-ugly feeling kicking in that got me, but I started marveling at two unique human emotions- awe and dread. 

So this one is for you, sweet pea. To the one that's having a bad hair day. To the one that's giving up. To the one that's unfocused and barely hanging on by a thread. This is for you, to remind you that despite your atrocious hair, it is a marvel to be alive. 

Something spectacular comes from the recognition that we are alive; the recognition of our own existence fuels our self-esteem. We each want to feel like we serve as a person of value in a world of meaning. 

Yet often our world of meaning crumbles before our feet... And that's okay. 

You still serve a purpose; you serve a purpose only YOU can fulfill. You'd be trippin' if you were beginning to think otherwise! ((Yes, I'm an English Major and fully support the use of the word 'trippin' and the use of #hashtags)) 

Look, we're highly social and vastly intelligent creatures. We have the power to create the unknown.... CREATE. THE. UNKNOWN. Crazy, right?! 

So today be in awe of your existence. When you have a desire to live, but realize bad hair days are inevitable, it will make life a whole hell of a lot easier.

Start dreaming, okay?

The world needs that dream. 

Nobody else can understand your dream but you,

doesn't mean it's not worthy,

it means you are the only one worthy of fulfilling it. 

The Great Wall of Sarah... Facing my Invulnerability

I've grown stronger... 

I've also grown more sarcastic, less willing to trust and successfully built the Great Wall of Sarah that far supersedes the Great Wall of China around my heart. It's been a while in the making. 

So I've grown weaker. 

I've become invulnerable. 

We see pictures like this

and we assume that the more shots you can take without falling the stronger you are.

We're a population that numbs. We grow addicted to pills, alcohol, food.. Netflix, and we coast through life unable to feel.

And then one day tragedy or heartbreak ensues and it slams you against a wall, or more accurately a mirror, and you're forced to either FEEL, or find coping mechanisms like constructing a barbed wire fence around your heart and taking everything everyone says with a grain of salt.

At times, I choose the latter. 

I'm invulnerable, and I'd be willing to bet you are too.

I don't want to cope. I want to feel, but to put myself in a position to feel the aching of a broken heart again would be stupid! Right? 

It's easier to live in disappointment than it is to FEEL disappointed. Job interview? Just go ahead and tell yourself you didn't get it so you never get your hopes up. That's easier than dealing with the final blow when you get an e-mail telling you they chose another candidate. 

I've found myself doing this in more than one avenue of life. With relationships, job expectations, etc. I don't want to fully open up to others because there's the inevitable chance of getting hurt. I know what you're thinking.. "Been there, done that." I feel you. I've been hurt and hurt others too. I don't want to go down that road. 

But the silly truth about life is that we can't selectively choose which emotions we feel; come one, come all. 

I say be vulnerable. 

Let yourself be disappointed. 

Let yourself get slapped against a mirror of reflection after an excruciating heartbreak.

Let yourself grow and learn.

Vulnerability is the beginning of hope. Of love. Of growth and change. 

Don't be afraid to tear down your Great Wall and be vulnerable.