I've grown stronger...
I've also grown more sarcastic, less willing to trust and successfully built the Great Wall of Sarah that far supersedes the Great Wall of China around my heart. It's been a while in the making.
So I've grown weaker.
I've become invulnerable.
We see pictures like this
and we assume that the more shots you can take without falling the stronger you are.
We're a population that numbs. We grow addicted to pills, alcohol, food.. Netflix, and we coast through life unable to feel.
And then one day tragedy or heartbreak ensues and it slams you against a wall, or more accurately a mirror, and you're forced to either FEEL, or find coping mechanisms like constructing a barbed wire fence around your heart and taking everything everyone says with a grain of salt.
At times, I choose the latter.
I'm invulnerable, and I'd be willing to bet you are too.
I don't want to cope. I want to feel, but to put myself in a position to feel the aching of a broken heart again would be stupid! Right?
It's easier to live in disappointment than it is to FEEL disappointed. Job interview? Just go ahead and tell yourself you didn't get it so you never get your hopes up. That's easier than dealing with the final blow when you get an e-mail telling you they chose another candidate.
I've found myself doing this in more than one avenue of life. With relationships, job expectations, etc. I don't want to fully open up to others because there's the inevitable chance of getting hurt. I know what you're thinking.. "Been there, done that." I feel you. I've been hurt and hurt others too. I don't want to go down that road.
But the silly truth about life is that we can't selectively choose which emotions we feel; come one, come all.
I say be vulnerable.
Let yourself be disappointed.
Let yourself get slapped against a mirror of reflection after an excruciating heartbreak.
Let yourself grow and learn.
Vulnerability is the beginning of hope. Of love. Of growth and change.
Don't be afraid to tear down your Great Wall and be vulnerable.
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI was told about you blog at work. I have enjoyed reading a few posts, and after reading this one in particular, I thought I would chime in. I agree that we most definitely live within a society has sought and appearance of being numb. However, as I get older, I have seen that more people are much more vulnerable than they lead others to believe. In reality, they became victims allowing vulnerabilities to be perceived as negative in the unhealthy society we live within. Those who choose to be victims have a tendency to seek superiority over other human beings to compensate for the perceived inferiority, creating the disconnect. This is just my observation, not all people, but a vast majority within our society behave this way.
I think you are onto something though. You said that you have often found yourself anticipating an unfavorable outcome to lessen the "blow" and that we cannot selectively choose our emotions. (I may not be right, I am still learning everyday.)
However, I have found in recent years that we CAN choose what we feel by recognizing our own ability to control how we react to out environments, since we cannot control the environment. This does not mean that we must become numb to take control of our emotions positively, it just requires a tremendous amount of control and responsibility of the power of a mind. I believe that we truly are the masters of our own realities. We can decide what we choose to feel healthily, if we take a positive approach to any situation.
I do not feel that this is suppressing my emotions or removing grief entirely, it is necessary to grieve at times in order to see the brighter days. I just believe in taking control of our abilities to react emotionally responsible to difficult situations. We are in complete control. If we say "I can't," we won't, but if we say "I can," we most certainly will.
I am a different perspective entirely, I have allowed myself to be vulnerable for a very long time and I felt very bitter and wronged, but I want to enjoy every aspect of this short time I have on earth. It is my responsibility to enjoy is as best I can, given the situation and conditions I am exposed to!
Thanks for the good thoughts though, it's nice to see that there are people still willing to express themselves through the written word. These words have soul, and we have so much power in our words to make a change in people's lives as writers. Thanks for the inspiration!
- Davin