Fucking Fight or Give In

You know what you do when you can't take anymore? When you're flat on your back? When you've come undone? When the whole world is going wrong; just dead wrong. 

You get up. And you fucking fight. 

You don't lay there and feel sorry for yourself. You don't ask, 'why me?' And you do NOT stay flat on your back. 

You fight. 

Because you're worth it. 

You are god damn worth it. And you have a lot of fight left in you. 

You lost the love of your life. I get it.

You lost your job. I get it.

You lost your home. I get it.

You lost your favorite pet. I get it.

You lost a child. I get it. 

Stay on the ground and mourn your losses. Send novels of texts. Pour your heart out to friends. Bawl in the shower. Have an incessant dialogue in your brain of what you should have done differently. And then cry some more.......

Then get up. You do NOT lay on the ground and make a fool of yourself.

You get up.

And you fucking fight. 

You fight because although you are broken, you are rare. Although you are depressed, you are a light in the world. Although it's hard to just breathe sometimes, your breath inspires change.

The world needs you to show up, and fight. 

To hell with your loss. It's in the past. And it's time to build your future. It's time to learn from all you've done wrong and all you've done right. 

So you have two choices. You either stay where you're at. On the ground. Sad. Lonely. Depressed. Angry. Resentful. Hurt. Insecure. Needy. Or you get up, and you fucking fight. 

The way I see it, everything you lost will still be lost whether you stay on the ground or you choose to fight. Try as we might from feeling pain, we just can't prevent it. So you fight, or you give in. 

Don't lose yourself too. 

Choose to fight. 

You deserve it.

Dear Time,

Dear Time,

The general consensus is that you heal everything. All it takes is a little you. My heart aches often because you seem to sit still; but, I know you are forever passing so I have to be patient. 

You have this magical (albeit rather painful) way of erasing our minds, or bringing peace in some way. 

In the chaos of disappointment and regret and rage and tears, you allow us to find purpose. In that purpose, if we are lucky, is the possibility of rescue. 

I've been yearning for something..anything positive to come of this gaping hole in my heart; striving for peace where there is sorrow. And I've realized that I now possess empathy that I never before have. 

So although in many ways I feel like three quarters of my insides are frozen solid, time has allowed me to see a ray of hope in my being.... A radical empathy for others. 

I can see a problem from a different perspective; I can say I've been there, let me take your hand and work through this together. Because let's be honest, heartbreak is the living worst. It swallows you whole and knocks you against a wall. We lose people we love, jobs we love, possessions we love.. And we have to learn to come to peace with it all so it doesn't control our destiny. So we can rise above it. 

It took the deepest break to allow me to gain this empathy, and in a round about way, I've grown thankful for this. Because maybe it will be enough to help someone's tears stop; to offer an encouraging word; to be a listening ear and to now possess a heart full of understanding. 

So for now, time.. I will try to let you do your thing.

Forever Hopeful You Heal Everything,

The Heartbroken. 

Lava Proof Socks

When I was a little girl there was always a thousand percent chance if my feet hit the floor at night the carpet was definitely going to transform into molten lava. Or if one of my feet was outside my blanket, a troll or a monster or a demon was probably going to snatch me up and kidnap me. (This is serious, guys.. Not a drill) 

Let's just say it was VERY, extremely important to go pee BEFORE the lights were out and I had to be in bed. ((Think about it; would you risk lava and monsters?! Didn't. Think. So.)) 

I may or may not still believe this happens.... We'll never know ;) But the thing I came to realize, is that what we believe in shapes our thoughts and how we perceive the world. (I'm not talking about religion here, let's leave that out this time) 

I try to keep my little corner of the internet remotely upbeat. I'm a lover of all things human, mindful and heartfelt. Sometimes though, folks, life really knocks you on your ass....or into the lava under your bed in the dark. 

I'm a believer in second chances; they're my first favorite kind of chance. I'm a believer in forgiveness. I'm a believer in love. I'm a believer in happiness. 

I believe in dreams,

and I believe in demons. 

Each day and night I am faced with a choice: Do I feed my dreams, or do I feed my demons? 

Do I decide to feed my insecurities? To compare myself to the perfect girl? Or do I decide to be grateful for all that I am and all that I am becoming? 

Do I decide to feed that voice inside my head that tells me I'm not enough, or the one that tells me I am more than enough? 

My dreams are just as hungry as my demons. I just have to remember which ones to feed; make sure I'm feeding the right ones. 

Now I know I have a choice on whether to feed my dreams or my demons.... And THAT is what is going to shape my thoughts. 

You know what they say, if you want to change the world, start with your own thoughts. 

#feedyourdreams 

#starveyourdemons 

#wearlavaproofsocks

Five or Twelve Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I want to see the new Jurassic Park with Chris Pratt. So. Bad. 

2. Nothing lasts forever.. Womp freaking wompppp.

3. My credit card expires in 2018. Every time I see it weirds me out. "Is this real life." #backtothefuture #scratchthat #thisisthefuture

4. My life is currently divided into eras.... Pre-Joe and Post-Joe. How pathetic. He's my main humie though, like... Forever. ((Okay, please resort to #2. Maybe one day my heart will jump on board with moving on..)) 

5. Which brings me to my next thing.. My blog feels like a dating profile at times.... Which is both scary and exciting. When random guys are just like, "Hey. I know this huge part of your heart..." and I'm like, "Hey.. DA fuqq are you?!" 🙌 Mad props for reading my blog though..I guess I have to give them that! 

6. I think if you feel like you were born in a world you don't fit into, it's because you were born to create a new one. 

7. If you're in my life I need to pick your brain; probe for answers. I need to play devils advocate. It's all in good fun, and I probably agree with your side, but I'm just trying to gain knowledge and perspective. Teach me how you see the world. 

8. In the movie, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," I wish I knew what her final article was when she gets out of the taxi and he gets off his bike and holds up the magazine. I wish I could swoop in on that scene and snatch up the magazine! ((OK! It's a movie, I get it. It's not a real article... Blah blah blah)) 

9. I've been told a thousand times certain things are, "just unforgivable." I call bullshit. Not because I'm some bible-thumping-freak who thinks I'm holier than thou, but because I've found we all sin differently. It's not my job to judge, what a terrible weight that is for a human heart... I'll leave that one to the man upstairs from this point FORWARD. ((Trust me, it's not something I can bare, I tried, didn't work. I'll just choose forgiveness)) 

10. I will marry the man who calls my work 'riveting.' ((HAHAA- okay, kidding.. Because I just gave away that key to my heart online.)) But dream with me here.. "..a riveting story about.." AHHH. I would kill to hear those words. 

11. I write people letters all the time. Long.. REALLY long letters. And I never send them. Not because they're bad or good or anything in-between, but because sometimes I just need to reflect myself, and actions speak louder than words ((GASP- I know. What's better than words?!)) but truly, these letters lay a foundation of well-thought-out THOUGHTS. Thoughts steer our actions. So, you're welcome everyone who has NOT received a long-winded-letter-but-has-received-solid-actions. ;) 

12. I like turtles. 🐢

So there's some useless information that may become useful while doing something useless. Chao! ✌️

•I Hope You Choose to Laugh•

Dear Self, 

One day you will wake up, and everything will be different. Not the gray chevron curtains in your windows or the pastel sweaters hanging in your closet. I mean your feet will hit the cold, hardwood floors in your studio apartment and the fog will lift. Everything will make perfect sense. 

You will go to take a shower and smirk at your newly forming abs, and your finally-growing-out long hair in the mirror. You won't tiptoe around your reflection, you'll stop to admire the body you've worked this hard for. The body that never gave up on you with all the nights you've put it through. 

You will look at your phone and for once, your stomach won't sink because "My Honey" is still not a notification on your phone. You will turn on Pandora in the car and finally leave it on the same channel when Ray Lamontagne's "You Are The Best Thing," comes on. You might even belt out the chorus a time or two....with the windows wiiiiiide open. 

You won't have to crawl out of bed and dread going to work. You will find your passion. When doing what you love becomes your job, you will never have to work a day in your life again. That day will come. The double shifts will finally be worth it. And sure, the term "overtime," will forever make you cringe, but you got through it. 

One day that piece of paper you pulled countless all-nighters to earn will be in a frame; in a home you are proud of. In a home you can for once call, "home," and it will actually fit. A home you can welcome people into and tell them to take off their new kicks because you just got new carpet, and you're damn proud of it! 

One day the world will be right for you again. The world will make sense. 

One day.. 

But until that day, I hope you choose to laugh. I hope you choose to drown your tears in hugs from your best friend. I hope you choose to smile when you look in the mirror. I hope you choose to dance like a fool and sing so every neighbor can hear you in the shower. I hope you choose to stay curious about the world around you. 

And one day...

I hope you're strong enough to choose to let love in again. 

Your independence that you've fought so hard to get back, that piece of your heart that you've tried so hard to fill, will not be lost. 

Because one day, you will wake up and realize everything is different. Maybe true love finds it's way back, maybe new love shows up; to wake up with two sets of feet hitting the hardwood floor, realizing that change is often the hardest decision, but the most beautiful decision. 

Ever Yours,

Heart.

Bubble Bath && Raindrops

It's a bubble bath and rain drops on the windowsill kinda' day here in my little world. That long, monotonous, wish you had a hand to hold feeling has officially crept in. I'm not entirely sure if it's the storm inside or outside that's spurred these feelings! I do know, however, that I'm learning.

Learning how much bubble bath I can use before the bubbles overflow. 

Learning how to blow dry a water-damaged book.

Learning how to assuage the fears of said book owner that said book won't be ruined. 

Learning that bubbles don't cure everything.

Learning sometimes you really CAN have TOO much of a good thing. 

And learning about what makes humans, humans.. After many a bubble bath contemplating ;) 

I believe in being human like I believe lace and a smile will complete any outfit. 

We're horrifically flawed, us humans. 

It's a terrible tragedy in itself; it's also a wonderful miracle. To need the strength of forgiveness. To need a helping hand. To have to learn to let go. 

It's a horrendous process to sin..

But what a beautiful process it is to be forgiven. 

I'm not sure I know entirely what forgiveness looks like. I'm not sure I know how to forgive wholly, or how to be forgiven. But I know I am close.. I know my heart possesses the magic of forgiveness. 

So I'm happy we're human, because if we never made mistakes... I wouldn't know what forgiveness was.

Everyone sins differently. We muster up the strength to live and through that life we fall short. We end up in a mess. 

I'm in a mess. In my heart and my mind. I'm flawed. I'm weak. 

I'm human. 

And the great part about that, is there's two sides to the coin. 

Although I may be weak, I'm also strong. 

I'm perfectly imperfect.

Just like you, HUMIE. ;) 

So next time your bubbles are overflowing, the rain won't stop falling, and you're just feeling weak.. Remember you're human; everyone sins differently and that's a magical thing. ✌️

And last but certainly not least, remember to limit your bubble bath..... It can turn into quite a fiasco! 🙌  

Fly. Regardless. ✌️🌊

"Somewhere between what she survived, and who she was becoming, was exactly where she was meant to be. She was starting to love the journey. And find the comfort in the quiet corners of her wildest dreams.

 

They say people don't change... Well, she wasn't always this way. Even if she didn't change the entire world, she would change her part of it. And she would affect the people she shared it with.

 

Whether something was meant to be, or meant to leave, didn't matter as much anymore. She would soak up the sun, kiss the breeze, and she would fly regardless." 🌊✌️