Five or Twelve Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I want to see the new Jurassic Park with Chris Pratt. So. Bad. 

2. Nothing lasts forever.. Womp freaking wompppp.

3. My credit card expires in 2018. Every time I see it weirds me out. "Is this real life." #backtothefuture #scratchthat #thisisthefuture

4. My life is currently divided into eras.... Pre-Joe and Post-Joe. How pathetic. He's my main humie though, like... Forever. ((Okay, please resort to #2. Maybe one day my heart will jump on board with moving on..)) 

5. Which brings me to my next thing.. My blog feels like a dating profile at times.... Which is both scary and exciting. When random guys are just like, "Hey. I know this huge part of your heart..." and I'm like, "Hey.. DA fuqq are you?!" 🙌 Mad props for reading my blog though..I guess I have to give them that! 

6. I think if you feel like you were born in a world you don't fit into, it's because you were born to create a new one. 

7. If you're in my life I need to pick your brain; probe for answers. I need to play devils advocate. It's all in good fun, and I probably agree with your side, but I'm just trying to gain knowledge and perspective. Teach me how you see the world. 

8. In the movie, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," I wish I knew what her final article was when she gets out of the taxi and he gets off his bike and holds up the magazine. I wish I could swoop in on that scene and snatch up the magazine! ((OK! It's a movie, I get it. It's not a real article... Blah blah blah)) 

9. I've been told a thousand times certain things are, "just unforgivable." I call bullshit. Not because I'm some bible-thumping-freak who thinks I'm holier than thou, but because I've found we all sin differently. It's not my job to judge, what a terrible weight that is for a human heart... I'll leave that one to the man upstairs from this point FORWARD. ((Trust me, it's not something I can bare, I tried, didn't work. I'll just choose forgiveness)) 

10. I will marry the man who calls my work 'riveting.' ((HAHAA- okay, kidding.. Because I just gave away that key to my heart online.)) But dream with me here.. "..a riveting story about.." AHHH. I would kill to hear those words. 

11. I write people letters all the time. Long.. REALLY long letters. And I never send them. Not because they're bad or good or anything in-between, but because sometimes I just need to reflect myself, and actions speak louder than words ((GASP- I know. What's better than words?!)) but truly, these letters lay a foundation of well-thought-out THOUGHTS. Thoughts steer our actions. So, you're welcome everyone who has NOT received a long-winded-letter-but-has-received-solid-actions. ;) 

12. I like turtles. 🐢

So there's some useless information that may become useful while doing something useless. Chao! ✌️

•I Hope You Choose to Laugh•

Dear Self, 

One day you will wake up, and everything will be different. Not the gray chevron curtains in your windows or the pastel sweaters hanging in your closet. I mean your feet will hit the cold, hardwood floors in your studio apartment and the fog will lift. Everything will make perfect sense. 

You will go to take a shower and smirk at your newly forming abs, and your finally-growing-out long hair in the mirror. You won't tiptoe around your reflection, you'll stop to admire the body you've worked this hard for. The body that never gave up on you with all the nights you've put it through. 

You will look at your phone and for once, your stomach won't sink because "My Honey" is still not a notification on your phone. You will turn on Pandora in the car and finally leave it on the same channel when Ray Lamontagne's "You Are The Best Thing," comes on. You might even belt out the chorus a time or two....with the windows wiiiiiide open. 

You won't have to crawl out of bed and dread going to work. You will find your passion. When doing what you love becomes your job, you will never have to work a day in your life again. That day will come. The double shifts will finally be worth it. And sure, the term "overtime," will forever make you cringe, but you got through it. 

One day that piece of paper you pulled countless all-nighters to earn will be in a frame; in a home you are proud of. In a home you can for once call, "home," and it will actually fit. A home you can welcome people into and tell them to take off their new kicks because you just got new carpet, and you're damn proud of it! 

One day the world will be right for you again. The world will make sense. 

One day.. 

But until that day, I hope you choose to laugh. I hope you choose to drown your tears in hugs from your best friend. I hope you choose to smile when you look in the mirror. I hope you choose to dance like a fool and sing so every neighbor can hear you in the shower. I hope you choose to stay curious about the world around you. 

And one day...

I hope you're strong enough to choose to let love in again. 

Your independence that you've fought so hard to get back, that piece of your heart that you've tried so hard to fill, will not be lost. 

Because one day, you will wake up and realize everything is different. Maybe true love finds it's way back, maybe new love shows up; to wake up with two sets of feet hitting the hardwood floor, realizing that change is often the hardest decision, but the most beautiful decision. 

Ever Yours,

Heart.

Bubble Bath && Raindrops

It's a bubble bath and rain drops on the windowsill kinda' day here in my little world. That long, monotonous, wish you had a hand to hold feeling has officially crept in. I'm not entirely sure if it's the storm inside or outside that's spurred these feelings! I do know, however, that I'm learning.

Learning how much bubble bath I can use before the bubbles overflow. 

Learning how to blow dry a water-damaged book.

Learning how to assuage the fears of said book owner that said book won't be ruined. 

Learning that bubbles don't cure everything.

Learning sometimes you really CAN have TOO much of a good thing. 

And learning about what makes humans, humans.. After many a bubble bath contemplating ;) 

I believe in being human like I believe lace and a smile will complete any outfit. 

We're horrifically flawed, us humans. 

It's a terrible tragedy in itself; it's also a wonderful miracle. To need the strength of forgiveness. To need a helping hand. To have to learn to let go. 

It's a horrendous process to sin..

But what a beautiful process it is to be forgiven. 

I'm not sure I know entirely what forgiveness looks like. I'm not sure I know how to forgive wholly, or how to be forgiven. But I know I am close.. I know my heart possesses the magic of forgiveness. 

So I'm happy we're human, because if we never made mistakes... I wouldn't know what forgiveness was.

Everyone sins differently. We muster up the strength to live and through that life we fall short. We end up in a mess. 

I'm in a mess. In my heart and my mind. I'm flawed. I'm weak. 

I'm human. 

And the great part about that, is there's two sides to the coin. 

Although I may be weak, I'm also strong. 

I'm perfectly imperfect.

Just like you, HUMIE. ;) 

So next time your bubbles are overflowing, the rain won't stop falling, and you're just feeling weak.. Remember you're human; everyone sins differently and that's a magical thing. ✌️

And last but certainly not least, remember to limit your bubble bath..... It can turn into quite a fiasco! 🙌  

Fly. Regardless. ✌️🌊

"Somewhere between what she survived, and who she was becoming, was exactly where she was meant to be. She was starting to love the journey. And find the comfort in the quiet corners of her wildest dreams.

 

They say people don't change... Well, she wasn't always this way. Even if she didn't change the entire world, she would change her part of it. And she would affect the people she shared it with.

 

Whether something was meant to be, or meant to leave, didn't matter as much anymore. She would soak up the sun, kiss the breeze, and she would fly regardless." 🌊✌️

The Stars Will Never Align- Not for You

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong, the amount of work is the same." 

I've wanted to shut down recently. ((Scratch that, I HAVE shut down recently... Reference the date on my last blog post if you don't believe me)) Everything my heart was feeling was too raw to put on paper; too real, I suppose. Which is something that everyone has experienced, but no one wants to feel, or even remember how it feels. 

I've discovered recently that life presents itself in a way where it's always a beat too early or a moment too late. 

We want the stars to align, I mean literally... We want to look up in the sky with a giant arrow- "THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY." So we wait. We wait for the giant arrow. That feeling inside that says, "Yes. I am 100%." We wait to tell people we love them. We wait to leave people we don't. We wait to change our career path. We wait to click "Confirm" on that airplane ticket......

And the truth is this: You won't ever know 100%. (I know just as much as you, that royally SUCKS) The stars will never form anything other than what they're presenting to you right now. We have this infinite space. Space that has gone undiscovered and unexplored. We have places and things in this world that we cannot even fathom being in existence.... But the stars aligning is not one of those things. 

That SOMETHING that you're waiting for a sign for; this is it. These words rambling across this page is your sign. 

Go put in your two weeks. Go win her heart back. Go travel to a country you don't speak their language. 

Go do the damn thing. 

Stop waiting for a sign. Stop waiting for 100% certainty and no risks. 

Stop. 

If you don't do it for you, do it for the world. The world needs you. 

You're a part of history that will never, ever repeat again. You are unique. 

Don't be scared of who you are. Don't be scared of letting go of someone you loved or holding on to someone you loved. Don't be scared to follow your dreams. 

And I admit that I've waited for the stars to align. I've waited until I thought I would have the perfect words to write; I've scrambled hundreds of pages in my little Microsoft Word document journal. This is MY sign. Not the blog post itself, but my eagerness; my willingness to let go and be all that I can be in this world. My unfailing hope that the people who were meant to be in your life will infinitely find their way to you. 

I'm not going to make myself miserable. I'm going to make myself strong. The stars aren't ever going to align for me, anymore than they are for you. 

So this is your sign. This is your big arrow pointing you to do the damn thing you need to do; whatever that may be. 

We keep telling ourselves that as soon as THAT THING happens, we will be ready. We will rip the bandaid off and dive in head first.... But the truth is you won't; because that thing will never happen. Not for you. 

That fire that's rising in you as you get closer and closer to the end of this article is your sign. 

The stars will never align for you, and I would hate to see you wait forever and never do THAT THING because they didn't. 

My Eulogy to the Living

I want to be remembered, do you not?! 

Eulogy: 

A eulogy is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one who recently died or retired or as a term of endearment. Eulogies may be given as part of funeral services. They take place in a funeral home during or after a wake. -Wikipedia

By definition, a eulogy should be expressed upon death. 

I get it. 

It's a formal part of our culture that helps the living deal with death; a way to pay our respects and remember all the intricacies of what made that person human. What made them tick.. What made them reach your heart. To share in their greatest achievements and value their character and spirit. 

The problem is.. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. 

So I had this crazy idea. If anyone is remotely into, let's call it science, you know that black is simply the absence of color. It's not a color at all. (A black object absorbs all the colors of the visible spectrum and reflects none of them to the eyes) 

Then I got to thinking, maybe that's why we wear black to funerals, to honor the absence of someone in our lives. 

Naturally, this seemed pretty far-fetched to me. Why? Because the color or lack of color you wear to a funeral really makes no difference. But it brought me around to my original point, funerals are for the living, not the dead. So we must wear black, we must create heartfelt eulogies in our greatest time of grief, and we must come together in one ceremony to announce and celebrate and mourn the loss of the one we love. 

Now this will probably bite me in the ass when I die, but I don't want a eulogy at my funeral. I don't want someone to stand up at a podium with a broken heart and create words that are supposed to neatly tie up who I am as a person.

My being is so much greater than that. I don't want you to be able to tie a bow around the person I was. I don't want my love to be that neat and straightforward.. I don't want commemorated in a tidy speech with the utmost affection and kindness, because that's not who I am. Even today. I hope my presence to be fierce in your life, for better or for worse. To love not with a great width, but a great depth. I will never live up to those words that you share when you grieve over me. I will never live up to the memory of me. I can only be me, and that's simply enough. 

I want you to live my eulogy every day.

It's a selfish endeavor, truly. To ask that the most sincere thoughts and feelings are expressed all throughout my life being alive, instead of when I have passed on. 

It's selfish. 

I don't want you to save the words about me. I don't want you to save that feeling of missing me horrendously and wanting one more moment with me. I don't want you to pack a lifetime of feelings into a paragraph on a folded up napkin at a dimly lit church. 

I just can't have you do that. 

I just can't spend my whole life living, and then pass on to know what you thought. 

So with all due respect to those planning my funeral, please burn the speeches. Don't let any person stand in front of the congregation and pour out their heart. 

Let it sit with you. Let my eulogy be in the memories we have made. Let my eulogy be a silent celebration of all that I was and all that I am. 

And because I will be an angel, I have no qualms about haunting you if you don't follow my wishes ;) 

I want you, loved ones, to write my eulogy in each moment we share, because I will do the same for you. I won't wait to cherish all that you mean to me and all that you are. 

My eulogy is for the living. My eulogy should be shared in all the moments I am alive. 

So when I take my last breaths, may it be tomorrow or in 104 years, I hope your heart is filled with my eulogy of love. 

I'm asking to be loved as if it was my last, to be valued as though I wouldn't be on this Earth again.. And if you're thinking that's crazy? I think it's crazy not to. I can't live my life half way; and I'm asking you do the same. 

Write my eulogy in the texts you send me. Write my eulogy in the hugs we share. Write my eulogy in the kisses we give. Write my eulogy in the laughter that hurts our stomachs. Write my eulogy in the depths of our greatest sorrows. Write my eulogy in the gifts you buy me, and the cards you write me. Write my eulogy in the trips you plan with me and the adventures we go on. Write my eulogy in the way you hold my hand. Write my eulogy in the little surprises that make me cry with happiness. Write my eulogy in the way you look at me in the morning. Write my eulogy in your invitation to spend time. Write my eulogy in all the moments we can ever wish to share together.. 

Just don't write my eulogy at my funeral. 

What should and is going to be remembered is the love we shared and the moments we had; that's what is going to matter. Not a speech dressed in black, standing at a podium with tear soaked eyes. 

Live my eulogy every day before I pass. My funeral is for the living. 

I plan to live this life writing a thousand eulogies every day with the ones I love; I ask selfishly you do the same for me. 

Wild Creatures

My silk comforter glides across my freshly shaven legs as I fumble for my phone to watch yet another New Girl episode on Netflix. My heart aches at the lyrics to every Taylor Swift song, and I try to convince myself that Chinese take-out could very well be a healthy option every night...... It's not; if you're wondering.

I sit here and I can't help but think to myself: Your heart is your biggest flaw. 

My heart encompasses this plethora of emotions that in my mind I know I should move on from, but my heart refuses. My heart sees the best parts and the worst parts in people, and loves them fiercely all the same. 

I still believe in soul mates. Unfortunately the world has taught me that sometimes soul mates gets pushed on their backs in the dark. The world has taught me that our experience with love is flawed; in every way imaginable.. 

But every once in a while, you get the chance to change that. 

You get the chance to dig your toes into the Earth and stand for what your heart wants. I've been told that 

hearts are wild creatures and that's why our ribs are cages.... Open. The. Cage. 

Maybe my heart is still my biggest flaw. Maybe hope for the future and nostalgia for the past are my two greatest weaknesses. Maybe I should cage my heart a little more often.

But today I'm not. 

Today my feet are gripping the Earth and standing up for my biggest flaw. Today my heart is first. 

Because one day, what my heart wants and my mind thinks will be one. 

I hope that you too will acknowledge your heart. Acknowledge the feelings you've been pushing aside.. Maybe it's an incessant aching you've been numbing with sweet wine and romantic comedies, or maybe it's an overjoyed spirit that you feel guilty of. Whatever your heart is yearning for today, I wish you the power to honor it.