All I Want in 2016..

New Year comes around and we all type out laundry lists of things we are going to do better. Because, THIS is the year. #NewYearNewMe

We want to lose weight, spend more time with family, be more nurturing and forgiving, travel to three countries... You name it; this is the year. 

In lieu of the holiday tradition, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on things I want in life; after all, 2016 is THE year ;) 

1.) My paycheck, pre-tax.

2.) My laundry to switch itself over from the washer to the dryer. Scratch that. My laundry to just do itself. On the regular. 

3.) To not need a power washer every time I eat due to the barbed wire fence in my mouth. Sexayyyy, I know. You've been here. Don't lie. 

4.) My car to understand logic; like sometimes it has to run on 0 miles to empty for 65 miles. 

5.) For fleeting moments of happiness to stay just a little while longer. 

6.) For women's plain white tanks to be just as inexpensive as men's. Hear me out here.. I thought to myself, ten aisles deep in WalMart, what's the difference between buying plain white tank tops for men instead of women?! Allow me to explain- Men's tank tops don't leave room for boobs. You're welcome, 5 pack of plain white tanks, for all the side boob action. Trying to save to travel here people, YES, I'm cutting corners.... Or more accurately, the sides out of my shirts. 

7.) Free formal education. And by free, I don't mean my soul given to student loans; I actually mean free. 

8.) People to realize there is no grief as great as denying the truth before it's too late. 

9.) Pizza. Just lots, and lots of pizza. {{One of my fav combinations of words in the English language: Build Your Own Pizza Kit}}

10.) To stop using the word, "lots." I think of a tiny LOTSness monster every time. It's just a horrid word; use something else. A billion options are out there. 

11.) Pizza that comes with abs. Lots and lots of abs. {{ahhhh... LOTSness monster....}} 

12.) Google Earth vision IN REAL LIFE; through MY eyes. Thanks, Iron Man, for giving me unrealistic vision expectations. But hey, 2016 has got this. 

13.) Tiny dinosaurs. 

14.) To be loved, by the person I love, indefinitely. 

Small goals, you know? 

You know what they say, you have to walk before you crawl! Here's to hoping 1-14 come true in 2016. && more so, that all your resolutions all year long become accomplished....

Fifty Shades of Purple

I dyed my hair purple. 

I know, guys, solid life decision. 

But, here I am, all fifty shades of purple.

 

I've learned a thing or two with this new shade gracing my lovely locks, though. Allow me... 

1.) To be confident. In all that I am, and moreover, all that I'm not. I'm awkward and anxious and weird, but I'm also kind and gentle and loving. I admire those that are able to march to the beat of their own drum, not question what they love, or as a dear friend used to say, "Just like what you like." I've never had a hair color be more ME, outwardly. It's pretty rad.... Err, purple. 

2.) Things fade quickly... Like bright purple into silver lavender, fresh skin into wrinkles, and blooming relationships into old news. Aside from fading being a cool haircut trend and a cool transition setting on PowerPoint, I've realized how fragile we are. I believe in laughter wrinkles and grays. I believe in entertainment and learning. And I believe that all that is before us is fading; only after things fade away did I see this clearly. We are fragile and human, but we can make a lifetime worth remembering; a lifetime that will fade into the lives of those that come after us. 

3.) Seek to understand first. I often put up walls of judgement, walls of 'Ugh-Why-Did-You-Look-At-Me-Like-That-You-Must-Be-A-Mean-Person,' to be more precise. It helps to understand and try to view things from another perspective other than your own; always seek to understand before making assumptions. And second part of this, don't always take things personally. And then refer back to number one. 

4.) I confirmed my desire to be a mermaid. Ariel was crazy for wanting feet. I want thingamabobs and gadgets and gizmos a plenty..... And a mermaid tail, please. Literally nothing else needs to be said on that topic. Except when you come up to me and say I look like a mermaid, I'm literally gleaming with joy on the inside. 

5.) People don't match their shirts to their hair. Stop saying, "OMG do you have a million purple shirts?!" No. I do not. Do you have a million blonde or brown shirts to match your hair, no. Just no. Stop asking if I match my hair to my clothes, nobody does that, so purple hair should warrant no other response. Plus, you're making my resting bitch face game SO strong when you ask me that question. 

6.) What you see in the mirror will always surprise you. Like when I see my reflection and it still shocks me most times, "What's in my hai...... Oh. Right. I did that. Intentionally. It's purple now atop my noggin...." Try as we might to have a solid grasp on our reflection, it's ever changing. Stop to take a look, but don't be surprised if what stares back at you has changed since the last time you checked. Sometimes it shocks us because it is the first time we actually SEE ourselves, because maybe we haven't wanted to take a hard look in the mirror for quite some time. 

7. How much freedom we have. Not just as a female, but as a human. We don't have to cover our heads or keep it a certain length. We have the utmost freedom of expression, and for that I am forever thankful. 

8. Purple isn't even my favorite color. But due to the fact I now have three pairs of purple PJ's due to people not understanding number five, I think it will quickly become one. PS thank you. 

9. Being professional is about your attitude, behavior, and work ethic; not your hair color or how many tattoos you have. You can excel in a business world, if you are business-minded. {Get it, excel... Bahaha. Word.} 

10. I'm still me. Changing your hair color changes everything, and nothing all at the same time. 

Dye your hair purple; or blue, or bright pink... Or that new pastel My Little Pony trend; do it up. 

All My Purple Love, 

thewordmedic.

Dance With Time

There's things in life you do, and things in life you didn't do. 

They say the only things you regret are the things you don't do. 

But there will always be moments in life that you're unsure whether it was something you did, or something you didn't do. 

A haunting feeling of regret that creeps in unexpectedly; that swallows you when you have your guard down. Because in life whether we regret a thing we did or didn't do, time continues to pass.

Our lives perpetually move forward, as much as we want to rewind or stop or just not carry certain things with us into the future. 

But we must. And that's the beauty of humans. 

There's so much in us; I'd argue to say the universe is within us all... What we do with it is our choice alone. 

So whether it's a thing we did, or a thing we didn't do, dance with time and bring it into your future; it's there for a reason, to do much more than haunt your dreams and unguarded moments. 

dear future husband,

I don't want to be your maybe relationship. 

I don't want to be your psychotic ex. 

I don't want to be the one that got away. 

I don't want to be your 11pm call. 

I don't want to be second.

I don't want to be the what if.

I don't want to be the if only.

I want to be someone's happy ending.

dear future husband, 

((queue Meghan Trainor)) 

Here's a few things that you ought to know..

I'm not going to love you half-assed. Interpret that as you will..  

I'm going to worry about you. Your health. Your well-being. Your happiness. Your attraction to me and if someone else has your heart// eyes. All of it. I worry because I sincerely care. Promise, promise not to go overboard.

I'm anxious and insecure at times. Just do one little thing every day to show you care. Kiss me before you leave for work. Hold my hand. Plan a date. Take a picture of me when I don't know and show me later and tell me how beautiful I was in that moment.. Ya know, the cheesy, corny romantic schtuff. I dig it. 

I also just need you to be a man though. Strong, protective, not always ready for feeling-talks, capable of fixing anything..I don't need to list out what you do best. Just know I love that part too, if not more, than your cheesy, romantic side. 

I want the world for you. I will strive for you to have it. 

Let me leave my towel on the floor and use a different one every day. Please.

Usually when I say, "Is this a good idea?" It is because it is not a grand idea at all. Prohibit me from doing whatever comes after this sentence. That, or I'm being a giant chicken and need pushed out of my comfort nest. You will know the difference, no pressure. 

I will crack up at New Girl when nobody is home, stop judging me. 

I just really want to please you. In everything. But I will most likely lose myself in that venture; again, the wholehearted thing. It's a double edged sword. Help me not lose me. 

Yes I eat midnight snacks, and no they're not figure friendly. I shall repent in hot yoga later, I don't need your night eyes looking at me like I'm a fatass. We can share the brownies and pizza, okay?! 

I'm going to carry my past with me; it's not baggage, it's my story. It's me. It's how I became the woman you got on one knee for ((or whatever creative thing you do)) Please understand with me comes my story and all involved.

I'm a female. I cry when I'm happy. Or you know... Any of the emotions. It's confusing for me too, just hold me and play with my hair or be like, "LOOK! A baby bunny!" or, "LOOK! Cheese pizza!" And I'll be totally fine within point five seconds. 

I get hangry. Hanger is so real. And so dangerous. Just feed me, okay? Like a little bit every two hours. 

I won't understand any pop culture reference. 

I don't know directions. Period. It's not one of those, "It's really cute, just show me and then I'll remember and we can laugh our way through it.." kinda things. It's just all bad. I canNOT for the LIFE OF ME (literally about to die in traffic) form a mental map. Drive or give me directions that would allow a blind man to get there. 

Maybe I used to know you, know you now, or have never met you.. But dear future husband, thank you for deciding to share your adventure of life with me. I'm endlessly grateful for you, and the romantic daydreams and blogs I can write to you, thou that does not yet exist husband.

Maybe I won't ever find you! Who knows. 

Maybe I wasn't meant to... 

But for now, here's my tiny list of things to expect. Nothing on here I wouldn't do tenfold for you. 

I will make mistakes, I'm flawed, and so will you. We will together. But let's always forgive. And most of all, let's try not to be the judge of sins, let's just choose forgiveness. It's too great a weight to bare. 

Just be my husband and share life with me. 

Damn, husband has a niiiiice ring to it. 

....get it? A ring? 

BAHAHHAHAHAHAH.

PS future husband. humor me and laugh at my jokes soooometimes. they're mainly intended to entertain myself, but a little smirk here and there would be fab. 

PSS if you think this is the list of how to love me and what to expect, why this is just the tip of the iceberg, and you just signed up for the whole Titanic when we said, "I do." 

ShoutOuts

First of all, I want to give a HUGE shoutout for the written language, because braces are tiny swords on my teeth and talking is like a game of Fruit Ninja.

Shoutout to the 13 yr. olds on YouTube who teach me how to do my make up. I mean, I can't even put eyeliner on the same on both eyes, and I'm expected to pay bills & adult. What. In. The. World. 

Shoutout to my belief in foolish miracles. 

Shoutout to screenshots for letting me hold on to gems of conversations that I can tuck away for a rainy day.

Shoutout to the people who hold on to the ones that make them FEEL all the feels. 

Shoutout to knowing my greatest, albeit irrational fear. ((missing out on love because someone withheld feelings. So in turn, I probably overcompensate and wear my heart on my sleeve. I just think it's a shame that people are together and not in love, and others are not together but in love.)) 

Shoutout to Google for making every dude look like a genius. I feel like if I'm talking to someone, Google should be off limits. Like I want to know how smart you are, how you see the world... Show me it through your eyes; not how fast you can type a question into Google, brah. 

Shoutout to people who never, ever lose the belief that the world is filled with good. Good people; good things. You become the statistic when you do give up. 

Shoutout to 24 hr red lipstick. You sly fox. Never again. 

Shoutout to those crossword puzzles that are like, "First Word Describes you," and then there's only one word. Tricksterrrr. 

Shoutout to seeing, "Paint the Town," pictures all lined up and seeing how vastly different they are. 

Shoutout to dreams. Do you ever just congratulate yourself for your dreams?! Ugh. You creative subconscious, you. You be killin' it. 

Shoutout to push-up bras. You magicians you. 

Shoutout to repeat buttons. You're welcome rap lyrics, I gotcha.... Memorized. 

Last.. And OBVI not least.. 

S

H

O

U

T

O

U

T

To you. ❤️

To The Men Who Hung The Night Sky

People have the power to weave their way into your life, for life. 

My Dad is my best friend. He is the one that gets me, the one that understands my overly sensitive, hyper emotional way of being. He understands my need for open pastures and my love of the sweet smell of Senior horse grain and calf milk replacement... It's weird, I get it. For us it's the norm. He taught me to keep my heels not too deep into the stirrup, and how to trailer a wild mustang.

I've put down childhood horses, held my baby calf as she passed away, named every last one of my pigs and chickens and goats and turkeys, and yeah, I slept with the tiniest, cutest potbelly piglet for part of my life; RIP Ollie. 

We've experienced life and death together. 

Life on the hobby farm, and life striving for this grandiose life we both saw.

I used to be his shadow. Wherever he was, I was. I admired this man like he must have hung the moon; he did, I know. 

He took me dress shopping. When we would fix fence, he'd dig the holes and fill them back in so I would feel like I was doing it. When we would build chicken coops, he'd give the nail a hard hit to get it started so I only had a little work. He made me smart, he made me driven, he made me a lot of...well, me.

Fast forward through these dreamy years of inseparable daddy-daughter bond, insightful conversations, yodeling and laughing our heads off on horse back rides and eating Beanie Weenies with a pocket knife, and here we are today. 

I'm 24. 

Yet I often feel like that frail, frilly-pink dressed little girl who needs her Dad; who looks up to her Dad like he hung the entire night sky. I need his advice, his strength, and his unwavering love for me.

I need his humor, most of all. I need his understanding of me before I tell him what's wrong. I need him to fix my car and fix my heart when they've been broken down. I need a kick in the ass when I'm being stubborn, and a five minute hug when I'm sad. 

I need my Dad, like a 9 year old girl needs her Dad. 

Most of all, I need my Dad happy. 

Back from the surgeries, the seizures, the postictal memory loss, the pain and confusion. Before the days of war, before the days of losing your son, before the days of the market crashing, before the days of vodka, and before the days of brain surgeries.

Because I'm tired of finding some blanket statement for how I feel. I'm tired of covering. I'm tired of living some double life. 

I want my Dad back.

I can't lose you and I'm tired of clawing to keep you alive. To keep your memory alive. 

The hardest part of this is learning to build a relationship with someone I don't know. Someone YOU don't know.

Because I'm hanging on to my 9 year old self, and you need my adult self to care for you. 

So Dad, I love you. 

I'll hold your hand like you held mine. I'll walk you down stairs when you're feeling weak. I'll tell you the same story fifty times like that story you used to tell me when we'd ride horses over and over and over again until you were blue in the face. I'll take you clothes shopping and not say a word when you look like a geek, just like you did when I picked the most outrageous dresses. 

I'm here for you, like you've been there for me. 

My, my how time changes things. 

Thanks for hanging the night sky for me, Dad; I'm using it to look into tonight and pray for your health and happiness.

To all the frilly-pink-dressed little girl's at heart reading this, I'm wishing health and happiness for your Dad too. Here's me hoping you can find that blind, childhood love you once possessed, and love with every fiber of your being. Make amends. Reach out. Love... 

To all the Dads who hung the night sky; thank you. The world wouldn't be as bold, daring, bright or loving without you; the world needs you, fathers. Your little girls need you. 

From your baby girl who still needs you in this big ol' city, 

TheWordMedic// Bean // HomeTeam // Your Bohemian Princezca 

I love you, Dad. 

What It's Like To Lose Someone Slowly

It's this excruciating pain of losing someone slowly that is unbearable. Although, losing someone in the blink of an eye is also torturous. If you're reading this and you know this feeling, I'm sorry. I wish I had words that could mend your soul and patch all the holes in your heart; I truly do. 

At first you claw to keep them alive. You dig your nails into the inseparable bond that surpasses all others. You don't want them to go away; you can't imagine a world where they don't exist. 

You fight for them so hard. You dig your heels in the carpet and stand firm on the belief everything will turn around.

You hold onto this for years; decades even. You fight, defend, weep, enable.. 

You cry over their hospital bed. You try to see between the doctor's words. You become used to clammy hands and keeping your cell phone by your bed like a gun in a holster. 

And then you come to grips with reality. 

The reality of a situation that is entirely outside of your control. That is outside the control of your prayers.

And then you deny this reality, again and again.

Until you've reached a point of exhaustion and acceptance, all at once. 

Sometimes people find a way to weave their way into your life, for a lifetime. Although you lost them slowly on our tiny planet Earth; your bond is unbreakable in the heavens.

Now dig your heels into the ground and don't lose yourself slowly. 

Do so much more than fight, defend and claw to keep yourself alive..... Live. 

Because, dear sweet pea, you deserve it.