Falling While Standing

I feel good; great even.

I feel confident in my own skin, of course with those deeply self-loathing moments we all have.

I recently got the keys to this studio apartment that is everything I imagined. It has these less-than-perfect brick floors with a few bricks I’ve mapped in my mind not to step on again. It has four giant windows that are the death of me when I forget to close the curtains. It has so much space, for just one me, that I’ve had to fill the walls with laughter and daydreams instead of furniture. I have this flawless view of the peak, a bike trail right in front of me whispering, “one more run,” perpetually in my ear, a park in front and a pool to the side. It’s bliss. I’m not exaggerating.

I have found my feet, and I’m standing. I know what I want, and I’m working for it.  A woman who has made up her mind is truly a powerful creature; I’m telling you this as I can’t for the life of me decide on which font I want to use here... 

I’m not the same soul I once was, because so much has changed. So much had to change.

 

But now I’ve hit the point of independence where I’m not sure I know how to be vulnerable any longer. Vulnerability is something I struggle with immensely. Because I don’t know shades of gray; I am an all or nothing person. I either forget to eat the whole day, or eat every taco that ever existed on Taco Tuesday. I give you none of me or I give you all of me. I'm working on balance, but I'm working more on being okay with ME; and not looking for someone to change me or want anything different than who I am. 

And boy, has this taken a long time; there's no finish-line in self-respect, it's a perpetual game of owing yourself what you deserve. 

I'm not preaching about feminism, or telling you to never let anyone in. Quite the opposite. Men are not terrible beings. (Scratch that, they are, at times.. But so are the bombshells, ladies, I'm talking to you) They're intoxicating, addictive, messes of chaos and wonder that we crave the craziness of falling for. 

But we can be strong and independent, and we can fall at the same time. 

The problem is finding the right one to fall for... The one who helps us see parts of ourselves that we cannot alone, the one who makes vulnerability easy as pie on Sunday morning.

So I'm asking you to find your place, and stand. Stand up for your self-worth, as tempting as it may be not to. Stand up for your morals, your dreams, and those tiny places in your heart that are healing. You deserve someone who sees you. You deserve someone who makes you laugh. And you deserve to fill your cup before it can overflow to others. 

And know that in the end, it's okay to fall while you're standing.