I Should Have Written This In Second Grade

I took my first plane ride from Denver, CO to Tampa, FL. Yes, of course I chose some of the largest airports in the United States to go fumble around like a lost puppy and attempt to board my flight. I literally get lost going to the end of my driveway, so, the airport itself was an adventure.

 

I kept finding myself wanting a hand to hold, scanning the vast space for a familiar face, or wanting to giggle about this whole experience with someone; but in the end, I am glad I took the plunge myself. 

 

I don’t remember ever being in an airport, honestly. I have seen them in movies, and I have a general knowledge of what goes on in these mystery gigantic warehouses, but I had NO idea what they actually looked or felt like… or smelled like for that matter.

 

So although a, “My First Plane Ride,” post probably should have come when I was in second grade, here I am at 24 writing about my first time boarding my flight.

 

Here are a few snippets that went through my mind:

 

-       The train is FAST. (Who even knew you had to ride a train to get to your gate, and then back to the terminal… Two in one?! Ch’yeahhhh) Everyone stands there like they are on some important business venture, no matter what nonsense they are wearing, and then there I was- Smiling from ear to ear like I’m on my first rollercoaster ride. IT’S FAST, people, SMILE. Jeez.

-       The only people populating the airport are apparently lovers and weirdos. I guess I’ll qualify for the latter this time around.

-       There’s so much sleeping. I’ve never seen more lethargic people in my entire life. I wrote this one off on my first flight because it was at midnight; I assumed that was the name of the game. Then I got on a flight at around 6, and same case. I didn’t get the memo that the social norm was to be lethargic and laizzes-faire; UT OH. 

(SorryNotSorry for all you sleeping beauties in the picture) 

-       I have to actively remind myself to keep my eyes at a normal size. BUT THERE’S SO MUCH TO SEE…and I have giant eyes.

-       The safety tutorial in the plane was everything I dreamed of and more.

-       There has to be a crying baby or it’s no flight at all.

-       My first plane smelled like old McDonald’s french fries. In case you were wondering, they don’t smell good when they are…fresh? Let alone old. Y.U.C.K.

-       Escalator are so much scarier with luggage on hand. Not for me, guys, but this less-than-pleasant bro in front of me, he could care less if my flip flop got eaten alive by the escalator. Near death experience PRE-flight, not my cup of tea. Hard pass, please… and these flip flops were NEW. #AllTheRageEmojis #EscalatorScars #MoveYoLuggageBro

-       I’ve never seen a more gorgeous sunset.

-       People don’t talk on planes. It is almost like you are being MORE rude, if you politely introduce yourself, and then it’s more awkward for the entire flight instead of just ignoring them. Who would have known. 

-       I’ve never been able to describe something as a “heavy weightlessness,” but this is exactly how I felt on the plane.

There you have it. A few tiny tidbits of my first experience flying.

The whole experience was just… WOW. I want to fly everywhere, everyday. Now.. Time to unpack. 

 

Calling Bullshit On Our Generation.

I'm calling bullshit on our generation.

#SorryNotSorry.

^ we say weird shit like this, obvi. Totes acceptable to abbreviate every word. Strawbana smoothie, anyone? 

We're too scared to feel. Too fucking scared to be open. Dating requires openness and being vulnerable and exposed, but we can't. We #canteven.

Because we've fallen before. We've shown our deepest parts to someone who left, someone who took the biggest parts of us with. 

We've been hurt, and to knowingly revisit that hurt, would be dumb. We shut people out. We get so used to not feeling that eventually, we can't. We're used to being numb, so being casual is the norm. No titles. No commitment. 

We're too fucking afraid to care.

We march by the beat of this, "live in the moment, #YOLO, experience every moment to the fullest," mantra; which is basically just an eloquent way to say, "I'm doing whatever the hell I want, this is living to me, so just make sure you don't get feelings." 

But I call bullshit.

I think we're a generation who's been hurt. 

Because casual isn't fun when you find someone who is brilliant and funny and sexy AF. Not caring isn't fun when one tiny cinder block falls off your wall and you start to wonder what it would be like to lose this person. Being numb loses it's protective shield when those 2am mornings creep in like an unwanted visitor. 

And so we go in circles. We strive to not care so we don't get hurt, then we let our guard down when we least expect it. When our iPhones beg us to pick up the phone and text that someone, and it hits us, we're hurting; bleeding even. 

Never healed. 

And so our walls get fortified. 

And we go on being the generation that never healed. The generation that was hurt. The generation that numbs because caring would be too much of a fucking chore; too big of a sacrifice for our YOLO lifestyle.

And I get it; because these circles might be better than that ultimate loss.

I just can't do it, though.

It's bullshit.

We're a generation that is too smart not to care. A generation that **insert Beyoncé song here** rules the world. Really. 

This world is our oyster right now. While we are 24 and free. While we are educated and driven and charismatic and beautiful. 

Now is the time to care, while the world is ours. So I'm begging you, millennials and beyond-- just care. 

Falling While Standing

I feel good; great even.

I feel confident in my own skin, of course with those deeply self-loathing moments we all have.

I recently got the keys to this studio apartment that is everything I imagined. It has these less-than-perfect brick floors with a few bricks I’ve mapped in my mind not to step on again. It has four giant windows that are the death of me when I forget to close the curtains. It has so much space, for just one me, that I’ve had to fill the walls with laughter and daydreams instead of furniture. I have this flawless view of the peak, a bike trail right in front of me whispering, “one more run,” perpetually in my ear, a park in front and a pool to the side. It’s bliss. I’m not exaggerating.

I have found my feet, and I’m standing. I know what I want, and I’m working for it.  A woman who has made up her mind is truly a powerful creature; I’m telling you this as I can’t for the life of me decide on which font I want to use here... 

I’m not the same soul I once was, because so much has changed. So much had to change.

 

But now I’ve hit the point of independence where I’m not sure I know how to be vulnerable any longer. Vulnerability is something I struggle with immensely. Because I don’t know shades of gray; I am an all or nothing person. I either forget to eat the whole day, or eat every taco that ever existed on Taco Tuesday. I give you none of me or I give you all of me. I'm working on balance, but I'm working more on being okay with ME; and not looking for someone to change me or want anything different than who I am. 

And boy, has this taken a long time; there's no finish-line in self-respect, it's a perpetual game of owing yourself what you deserve. 

I'm not preaching about feminism, or telling you to never let anyone in. Quite the opposite. Men are not terrible beings. (Scratch that, they are, at times.. But so are the bombshells, ladies, I'm talking to you) They're intoxicating, addictive, messes of chaos and wonder that we crave the craziness of falling for. 

But we can be strong and independent, and we can fall at the same time. 

The problem is finding the right one to fall for... The one who helps us see parts of ourselves that we cannot alone, the one who makes vulnerability easy as pie on Sunday morning.

So I'm asking you to find your place, and stand. Stand up for your self-worth, as tempting as it may be not to. Stand up for your morals, your dreams, and those tiny places in your heart that are healing. You deserve someone who sees you. You deserve someone who makes you laugh. And you deserve to fill your cup before it can overflow to others. 

And know that in the end, it's okay to fall while you're standing.