I Am So Mean!

I'm mean. 

I'm literally the meanest person I will ever meet.

My artwork is never good enough, my writing never finished enough, my stomach never flat enough, and my heart never big enough.

I am my own worst critic. 

I think you are, too.

I know because I see the way you look at yourself in the mirror. I know because you hide your smile. I know because if I asked you to name three things you love about yourself, you'd stand there for twenty minutes and not be able to come up with one. You'd be like, "I can make a mean grilled cheese," or some weird schtuff like that. If I asked you to name three things you hate about yourself, your list would be longer than the list of things that offended people in 2015 (if you don't keep up with the internet abyss, that was everything. Every. Single. Thing.) 

Sometimes our inner, berating ourselves voice gets SO LOUD, that we can't hear anything anyone is telling us.

We can't accept a compliment because we couldn't ever possibly believe it. We can't consider ourselves beautiful because there are far prettier girls out there. We never think our body is enough, and our wardrobe?! Don't get me started...

But what happens when we start being confident in ourselves? 

I've started to silence that mean-girl inside of me. The one that scoffs at my ideas, the one that makes a disgusted face in the mirror after her shower, the one that never shows her smile. I would really never have any friends if I talked to them the way I talk to myself, so no more. Bye, mean girl. HELLO, not-so-much-of-a-biotch girl. 

Sometimes we need to silence our inner voice enough to hear the praises around us; the viewpoint of a friend. And then we need to transition that jerk inside our own mind into a friend. 

Dear noggin, you've got a friend in me.

Sincerely,

Nice Girl. 

P.S. That is a giant pink cookie cake. The apple of my eye. Don't know where and don't know why. You're the only reason I keep on coming home. 

Hello... It's Me.

I am a slow healer.

If someone gets through a break up in six months, it's going to take me two years. 

If someone mourns the loss of a loved one passing away for years, I'll be weeping sporadically my whole life.

I go through the healing process slowly, but surely... For lack of a better phrase. Some just call me stubborn and emotional, but, there's method to my madness sweet pea. 

I believe so strongly in experiencing every emotion to its fullest, so when I'm heartbroken, or mourning, or whatever it may be, I'm going to experience it. 

I'm not going to shove it aside like yesterday's pizza (bad analogy, day-old pizza is honestly the bees knees; but you get my point.) Emotions are powerful, and if truly FELT, can invoke a sense of self that you may not have felt before.

I like to be happy with the rest of you, trust me. A day at the pool with the sunshine beating down on me, a turkey burger in hand, and an ice-cold drink in the other is more than welcome on my calendar any day. But, I know that I can't push aside the bad days, the bad feelings, and the bad memories.

They're a part of me; they've created this human that I'm becoming proud to know. 

So, hello. It's me. This is me on the other side, Adele. 

 

I really did call (text) my ex a thousand times. I really was sorry for breaking him down. As I'm sure he was I. But, here I am, today, January 24th, 2016 at 8:16 pm being proud of the woman I am becoming {smacks gavel on podium, uproarious applause commences. Sorry, I got carried away! Saying the whole date just made this whole thing sound so monumental!! Can ya blame a girl?!} 

I know 2016 didn't roll around and VOILA! new year, new me. I know that because I've worked damn hard. I don't wake up not missing people. I don't wake up with a fiery desire to go to work every day. I don't naturally have all I need to face the day. But I am working for it all, slowly and surely. 

I've been working on my mental health, physical well-being, emotional strength, my education, my travel dreams, how far I can make it on one tank of gas, how many large pizzas I can order before I need an intervention, you know, the usual. 

So although I heal slow, I heal well. I heal strong. I heal. 

That's the sad part about our society. We tend to get broken, and then we carelessly place a bandaid over it, pretend we are happy, and then that festering wound never truly heals.... It just affects every part of our life from then on out. 

I urge you to heal slow. Heal in your own time. If you need to cry it out a hundred and one thousand times, do just that. But then I need that wound to heal. Because you have so much in you that deserves to not miss the past. You have so much in you that deserves a future, that deserves happiness. 

Grow strong and steady. 

Take your time. 

Heal slow. 

Dear Baby Sister

Baby Sister,

God I wish you were growing up in a world that matched your brilliance. A world where my stomach doesn't swallow itself whole thinking about what might happen to you in this crazy, chaotic world we live in. 

But, Drey, I never want you to dull your shine for the world. I want you to see a thousand sunsets and a thousand more waters. I want you to do cartwheels all the way across the playground, even when you're my age. I want you to smile your goofy little, absolutely heart-melting smile; even in the midst of your hardest, most heartbreaking times.

And punkin, I want you to call me. Cry on my shoulder, vent on the phone, say my name in your prayers. But mostly, know that if you saw yourself through my eyes, you would adore you! So please don't ever stop adoring yourself the way I do. 

The world is dark and dreary and rotten on so many days, but on those same days there will always be light. Look for the light. The stars, the sunrises and sunsets, the glow worms and fireflies. Look for the teachers, the givers, and the helping hands. You are this light, and even on the world's worst days, there will be light all around you. 

One of the best things you can do in life is look for the good in people; the meanest person has a dim light ready to shine. The other best thing you can do is this: Don't drink diet soda, don't smoke, and do NOT, whatever you do, do NOT give in to peer pressure. Any and all forms. Because I never, ever want you to be LESS you. 

One last thing, always believe you can change the world.

You can, and you will; in tiny miraculous ways that the world has an insatiable hunger for. You'll leave memories on the people you love, scars on those you leave, and you will leave your laughter in rooms that will never ring so brightly. Even your mistakes can change the world, sometimes even for the better! Weird concept, but time does that. 

You're a gem in this world; don't ever believe otherwise for even one second. 

With all my love to infinity and beyond,

Your Big Sis. 

All I Want in 2016..

New Year comes around and we all type out laundry lists of things we are going to do better. Because, THIS is the year. #NewYearNewMe

We want to lose weight, spend more time with family, be more nurturing and forgiving, travel to three countries... You name it; this is the year. 

In lieu of the holiday tradition, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on things I want in life; after all, 2016 is THE year ;) 

1.) My paycheck, pre-tax.

2.) My laundry to switch itself over from the washer to the dryer. Scratch that. My laundry to just do itself. On the regular. 

3.) To not need a power washer every time I eat due to the barbed wire fence in my mouth. Sexayyyy, I know. You've been here. Don't lie. 

4.) My car to understand logic; like sometimes it has to run on 0 miles to empty for 65 miles. 

5.) For fleeting moments of happiness to stay just a little while longer. 

6.) For women's plain white tanks to be just as inexpensive as men's. Hear me out here.. I thought to myself, ten aisles deep in WalMart, what's the difference between buying plain white tank tops for men instead of women?! Allow me to explain- Men's tank tops don't leave room for boobs. You're welcome, 5 pack of plain white tanks, for all the side boob action. Trying to save to travel here people, YES, I'm cutting corners.... Or more accurately, the sides out of my shirts. 

7.) Free formal education. And by free, I don't mean my soul given to student loans; I actually mean free. 

8.) People to realize there is no grief as great as denying the truth before it's too late. 

9.) Pizza. Just lots, and lots of pizza. {{One of my fav combinations of words in the English language: Build Your Own Pizza Kit}}

10.) To stop using the word, "lots." I think of a tiny LOTSness monster every time. It's just a horrid word; use something else. A billion options are out there. 

11.) Pizza that comes with abs. Lots and lots of abs. {{ahhhh... LOTSness monster....}} 

12.) Google Earth vision IN REAL LIFE; through MY eyes. Thanks, Iron Man, for giving me unrealistic vision expectations. But hey, 2016 has got this. 

13.) Tiny dinosaurs. 

14.) To be loved, by the person I love, indefinitely. 

Small goals, you know? 

You know what they say, you have to walk before you crawl! Here's to hoping 1-14 come true in 2016. && more so, that all your resolutions all year long become accomplished....